itsjusme2

(to too many people too many times)

the eve is here..........the day of the eve...............already
all is quiet..........
paper.........scissors.........tape..........
and it’s still dark........and quiet.............
and smile at the mess..........
.........................................................................it’s here so quickly

and the hopes of the new day............they don’t change..........
but it’s almost like a reassertion.......................
a belief renewed..........a spirit reborn..........on this day...................
in humanness
in goodness
in what is right
a fulfilling warmth

and there you sit...........
you and the world..............those who mean so much...........
there........a years worth of thought — and true, it may have been just gotten —
but it was so right
it was there and you knew............
what a feeling..........
and there may not be snow.............but it is that time..........and you can’t wait...........

all year you may give, but this is different — why ?

i don’t know, it just is.................
through holidays and birthdays..........anniversaries and “just ‘cause”..........
and you take each in your hand.........one at a time..........
and you look..........and you remember it — when you bought it..........
and what you were thinking
and why it meant so much............all is remember — the why.......................

everything is so right — so good............
and you smile.......
and nothing else matters — whatever might have passed.........
everything is so right — so good............
paper.........scissors.........tape..........
quiet.............though music is in your head........
and smile at the mess..........all around...........
and one at a time you begin to bring order to the whole....................


there’s a little light in the sky........
now and again a slow moving random car making it’s way to a destination..........
the way long or short..............
there is an excitement.............in the giving — can’t wait to see the faces..........and the beams still lighting the way..............

what other santa’s are working through the night................
age knows no bounds when it comes those hearts.....................
they look forward to nothing but the joy.........
the happiness...........
the smiles and surprise.........that they hope to bring..............


no snow — but it is all the same..........
the anticipation is as great for the giver as it is for those who receive............


will it make them happy..........
will they like it..........
will it mean something to them.......i really thought it would..........i didn’t just buy to buy........



what if they don’t like it.........
did I really mess up.........
what if they don’t like it..........will they give it to somebody else.......or just keep it in the closet to throw out in years to come.........


all was so fine — where did that come from — why did that come............

and then you study the eyes...........

then there are those you couldn’t catch..........so you drop off...........

and then............

no word...........no call...........written.........spoken.........left on machine...........

maybe it wasn’t gotten
they were out of town
they were busy
they forgot...............................................they didn’t mean too — it is such a busy time................

oh — see.........hope they say something................nothing............

then — another.................oh so stupid...............bring it up in conversation — swore you wouldn’t do it..........couldn’t stand not hearing anything from another — got to find some way to see if it was at least gotten..........not looking for a thank you...............just didn’t want something
to be.............................................................................m e a n i n g l e s s


this isn’t that time of year..............meaningful — everyone and everything is meaningful...............


When did it change...........Why did it change.............all those people who thought and hoped and wished and.............i can say i am sorry and i wish this had never happened to you.........but I can’t explain any of this and I don’t know how to make it better......................i have never seen this kind of thing — who knows, maybe people have been like this for years and i just never had seen
before...........sheltered...................

at this point i will take anything as an answer..........but....it is only after a time — not just some days or a few months.......................


all I know if this is how things are.............if this is how people are changing to be..........then........

I am...................................


wishing i never was

i want the day to be over
i want this year to be over
i want over to be over

no hi’s
no nods
no smiles
no handshakes
no hugs
no nice words
no kind actions
no cards
no acknowledgments
no remembrances
and for god’s sake...........no presents

don’t want any of it
have no use for any of it

it doesn’t mean anything away
why have it

...........................................................it’s all lies anyway

when something is of no more use..........whatever that use may be...........
it is........
discarded
ignored
rejected
disregarded

...................not even forgotten...............
forgotten is an accident...........................

such is
deliberate
calculated
mean
hateful

....................................inhuman

only try to be one thing
and
only wish for one thing

.............and if that can’t be..................
none of the rest matters

...................................................................Merry Christmas