itsjusme2

It’s dark............really very.......dark...........

You know — the kind of darkness where you can’t even see your hand infront of your face.....no matter how close it is to your eyes........it’s a very strange feeling — almost eerie.......

the kind where you feel totally disoriented.............lost........you have no sense of direction.......you don’t know where you are in relationship to where you have been............or how far you still have to travel before you are actually home and in the safety of your own 4 walls..........

— like traveling up mountains in western maryland in a thick fog..........or a swirling snow.........

and you have no idea how close to the edge you are before you go plunging over a cliff..........

And you stop the car — and breathe — and just stare.........even chancing to get out to walk on the road.......pace out ground — trying to orient yourself — where am I — and at the same time praying that there isn’t another vehicle coming from in front.......coming from behind — who is having the same problem............and they don’t see the car...........they don’t see you.........because it is so white........so thick..........even headlights don’t cut it until they are there on top of you.......

And you close your eyes and pray..............get back in the car.........and slowly make your way up the road.................until the next time — when the walls are too close and.........the the breathing goes rapid.........and the eyes blur from strain...........pounding heart hurts.........

And you ask to be brought safely home.................

Isolated
Deserted
Abandoned
Resignation
Confinement

Alone
Left

Surrender

that’s how dark it is................


There’s voices............hear them........wait..........talking......and laughing........
muffled..........................................................................................................
why

think..........listen............................try harder..........focus......

Can’t make out what they’re say...........................................
And there is laughing...................................well that’s good............comforting..........


Oh — smell...............food..............cooking...........aromas — like home when I was little......Oh.................nothing like it......
so close.......so warm.........
can almost taste it..........the ole stomach’s starting to growl

voices are getting clearer...........listen
it’s still dark.........................................................................................................why is it so dark


“Remember when........”.......................“That’s hysterical......I forgot all about that time”.........
“............always like that and never changed and was definitely one of a kind..........”

Only hearing part — can’t make it all out.....................but sounds like fun.............laughs and food and chatter — has to be fun.............

— wait — I know that voice.................another.....................is somebody crying.........

Somebody’s trying to make the cryer stop............it’s awful when someone cries — you just want to reach out — or at least get them to start...........it is so unsettling and it can ruin all the fun.........and everybody was having fun for God’s sake..........oh Lord — another one started.............will somebody please stop them..............let’s have fun..........nothing can be that bad................shut up......................

Who was that..........I recognize.............I know him.....her..........and another...............and another............and...............

It’s too dark..............................

And the laughter grows.............and so the talking...............

Like memories...........remembrances.........................................

.........what ????? — no — let me out — what..............I’m here ..............you’re getting loader — I HEAR YOU !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
STOP !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHUT UP — SHUT THE FUCK UP !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
voices......laughter.............fun............food...........NO...............why — it’s dark..........and close and I want to go home......what are you talking about — this isn’t true........

This isn’t true...........it’s not happening............where’s my front door................I want to be home — why aren’t I home.................I should be there by now............


It’s so dark......................feel totally disoriented.............lost........you have no sense of direction.......you don’t know where you are in relationship to where you have been............or how far you still have to travel before you are actually home and in the safety of your own four walls..........

PLEASE STOP !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Damn you.............now the nice words..........the good actions............the thoughts and kindnesses.....................






Why wait....................until they’re dead












Epilogue — why is this the way................we have all seen it........we have always heard it — those words........”I wish I could have told them..........I was going to see them and I just didn’t go............I can’t believe they are gone................I am really going to miss them.................if I would have only taken the time............” — and so on................

So why do we allow it to happen, when we hear and see so many others say and regret the same thing................why won’t we learn............why don’t we take the time to make the difference — at least within ourselves..........

it does take so very little.....................