itsjusme2

All quiet.....empty.....vacant.....cold.....desolate...............stripped — Gone....just..................gone — shut tight........ boarded up — all beaten down and splintered.........worn.......chipped away — without beauty or life — no dignity left......or reason --------- locked.........forbidden.........
calm — d e a d calm.........


In a corner huddled........motionless..........in dark seclusion never dreamed........
no longer noticed, let alone seen.....never brought to mind, except during unexpected passings
.......and then only followed by quicken steps and diverted eyes.......or eyes that look (right through) but do not see.........as if what was once there is there no longer........

where did it go......................look into blackness.




It once stood tall for all........welcoming.......a shelter — open.........inviting..........warm — but, no longer — the foundation weakened from harsh elements around...........no longer strong..........
no longer supporting..........resistance weathered.......eroded.......washed away — and plasticity calcified.


There — wrapped in darkness so opaque — shadows foreboding.....cast.......

and fog hazing up obscuring what was once so easily entered....
and the way — once smooth and accessible and clear.....now —

cracked, overgrown, abandoned...............forsaken.


The key......lost.....................maybe thrown away........maybe hidden........maybe in a place easily found if thought was actually given — time will tell — and each board.......arbitrary, but placed with reason — solid.....strong.....now warped and rough — but set to protect what is inside........

— time — so quick..........so cruel.


And from the windows to the soul fell the slow single drops.........
solitary...........................alone and colorless.......

And all that shone — tarnished
And all that opened — rusted
And all that grew — drowned
And all that warmed — chilled.........


And the wind blew.................a voice whirling.........
surrounding.........penetrating.........cold — without heart...........
without soul.........

blurring sight........piercing sound........

squeezing — constricting — choking — pressing...............pain — sharp and unending......

gasps — air.............struggle — freedom............beg — understanding..........
pray — forgiveness.

A reach......a twist......a turn — no avail — no give.......not an inch — no opening.......not a crack.
Solid in it’s decay............the exterior.




Stand.....gaze.....think..........................approach — one step then another —footing uncertain....
nothing to hold.........no balance —

and the moon........it’s light........shining and beaming — offers no hand.....
no help...........insecure.......lost..........helpless..................and another step.....

Then another........small and careful — nothing sudden.........and continuing — heart pounds, head throbs, eyes water, mouth dries and thickens.......thoughts shooting....and strike............. unanswered......

doubt — fear — worry.........

and another step................................endless steps — and then......... there.........infront standing.............giving nothing — daring a word.......a touch........and eyes scan upward — a kindness......and the hand slowly reaches — outstretched.......offering......waiting.....
hoping for acknowledgment..........


Struggle for breath......for strength.....for courage — no harm meant.....only a want to see....to understand......to embrace the return of light so there is a clarity — shadows returned to the darkness so fear no longer suffocates goodness once there........

Breath held........and a gentle knock..........................no sound — strange............why — all things respond....................don’t they...........




Lost.......unsure.......hand out for support — a creak......a board in hand — and another — and another.......until a gentle push and a slow opening........a hope.........a growing.......a beginning — before the clouded wet eyes.........there unveiled darkness infinite — a step into the black..............but in................

cold — forbidden — but protected from the wind........a discordant silence.........and trepidation weighing heavily — no longer knowing what dwells within.........faltering thoughts grasping........anxiety — there’s nothing within reach...........

now what — think..........think...........careful — slow — thoughtful........

Look......but strain to See........
Listen.....but focus to Hear.......

One wrong step.......a word........an action — punishment will be swift........relentless.......unforgiving.......and the pit will open — and the fall endless......

so stand...........motionless.........as helplessness
surrounds..........advancing — breathing shallow.....

Noooooooooo — think.......before one step taken.



Slow circles in place — focus...........try — hoping for some guidance........

nothing can be seen.......there is no sound.....

and the only taste is of salt running down the cheek.......
intensify the senses for some clue.....will it come.....
and in what form........


Will it be recognized......or not noticed at all......will it come quickly without warning
shrouded in a cloak like a magician’s trick.......

or a game — strategic....planned — each move
reasoned.....calculated intensity with each blow
and waiting for the
decided.....inevitable...............

laugh..........................................




In this place there is no time...............only eternity — sameness.......no variation.....no change......

a barren obstruction........assaulting......attacking — uncompromising and intolerant........


There......is......hurt — anguish......so strong.....annihilating all function — paralysis of mind, body, emotion, soul — nothingness — frozen in glaring pitch of helplessness........wanting to run.....to hide....to withdraw..............treated as if unworthy of what was believed to be afforded to each by the very reality of birth........

how easily humanity is stripped away..........
how easy to become nothing..........

eyes......their avoidance say — it is so........
words......their lack show — it to be true......
actions..............speak volumes —
nothing need be said —

and the physicality of pain becomes an actuality not to be denied....
— no incongruity of eyes
— no misinterpretation of words
that even in the obscurity of the somber gloom that eradicates vision.......

there is clarity to action.........



Where is the beam to show the path.......some way to take......a step toward light.......and hours turn to nights — there are no days — not even grays........only endless destitute abandon.




In time — long after the legs have weakened and the weight of the outstretched arms throb and the back knotted — the steps of circles paced have widened.......but no support has been found.....

Inside, yet no walls.........perception confused — thoughts mangled — but memory.......vibrant.....
vivid.......and questioning still the reality.................

What brought this renouncement — this insufferable nightmare.....the imprisonment of spirit........the revelation of weakness.......the shunning of compassion.................................................the death of forgiveness.......

and the birth of guilt.....unrealized — unexplained......but guilt — hovering over as the oppressive cross burdened mind, body and soul — like a great hand bearing down till all strength weakened and gave way —
lowered and left "huddle......motionless.........
in dark seclusion never dreamed..........”




The floor.....course and faded......finish worn from wear......splintered from abuse — emptiness above as focused eyes — heavy........with dried wetness close.............but no rest.........just sharp pains that take breath away and cloud the mind with thoughts that drain and torment.......for even in repose, all comfort and warmth once given, are locked out as if they are unwanted and unwelcomed trespassers...........
head spinning..........
sweat pouring..........
Black........................


Eyes open........crusts flake away — body numb......saturated with damp......chilled sweat....


No concept of time.........the once seeming moments......days.....weeks.........have turned into enduring years of entrapment in this prison of culpability and failure.........scourged and thrown behind bars of unfriendly, unyielding indifference....

— for a crime neither tried or sentenced.........

No evidence offered
Nor defense allowed

and no time given for term of sentence.........of how long the incarceration would last..........and no apparent opportunity of sentence commuted or leniency for parole...............Guilty.




Wake..........!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...............


Outside.........standing.........looking through the darkness — it once stood tall.......welcoming all and greeting each new day........straight, clear path to it’s open door for all with warmth, friendship, heart — a protective oasis.......a safe haven — no pretense.......no expectation — simply.......................home.

A step forward — eyes strain to see.......mind open to comprehend.........
sadly, just.........a.........shell — no longer what it once was.....

Even through the gloom, memory of what was and sight of what remains — lingers.......haunts.....

untended.......overgrown — weathered......weakened — cracked.......shattered —
deserted........
abandoned....

how once important....matters not
how easily forgotten....what was
how once meaningful....empties out
how effortlessly left..........................................

......just a turn and walk



Even through the haze, simple realization is clear....
it did not need to become this.......

with a little thought........
want............
care.............
kindness..........

work……a little love --- and.......
a life restored..............


a little at a time and upkeep is so easy.......so right..........so simple........

yet — none given.................instead — simply left..........




It was more than just.......a house.

Not just dirt and lumber and brick and shingles and siding.....
Not just four walls and a roof and windows and doors and rooms......

It was a place to come to.......for welcome.....for wonderment.....
for eating and sleeping
for talking and playing
for sadness and smiles
for laughter and tears
for good times and bad.....


Not just men and women and boys and girls.....
Not just strangers or passerbys or acquaintances.....

Not just a house — not just by blood — not just by birth.......
for these do not by their very being make a family or make a home.........


It was......family......
true friends.....

Sharing and togetherness — Solitude and quiet times ---- Caring and love.........

It was.............................................H O M E...................




And as the day broke in all it’s glorious new blackness, the emptiness filled and a tear ran as I began to turned to away..........sadness enveloped all of me.....an then a thought — a simple truth.....a disquieting fact.....a tragic reality.......

— only Special is preserved.......

— all else is left to disappear into anonymity — as if it’s being (and all it once represented — it’s very reason) never mattered.......

..............it’s very existence wiped from the minds of those who had once cared...........or did they ever........



.........Things cared for have been preserved for centuries and will be for centuries to come —

Why do only some care and keep all that should be nurtured and treasured alive..............



In the stillness, a numbing.......raw thought..........

It seems to follow.........
......If there a those who are now so readily discarding what were things held as important......

what will happen — if it follows — that they then start discarding people........
friends.....
loved ones.....
family.................


.......and then — might they not forget them..............
and erase them............
and exclude them.....
from their life...............
from their memory.............
Oh God..........


It would be better not even to be...........or better not even to have been..........

Is there anything worse than to know that you are insignificant......not to be worth a thought or a word or a ..............even the time of day — you don’t exist.............now forgotten.......
now left to die......Oh God.......


such grief must not happen.......never was such a thing ever imagined — but yet, looming there for all to see was proof..........there was no denying that such acts are now in existence..........


At least there is memory and life there........A memory......pure......and lasting — isn’t there..........

I do not want to be This Old House..............




But as I walked into the fog and vanished from it’s sight into the never ending darkness...............
Gone.........just gone................




I Knew I Was.................................................................








..............Hope Never Dies