itsjusme2

In the morning, the light of a new day peaks over the horizon
fleeting thoughts of what’s to come flashes playfully in the mind

Yawning..half awake, the shower is turned on as the morning coffee brews
only one eye opens and it’s reflection fogs as steam fills the room
undulating and pulsating rhythms of the hot water splash off skin
reviving the once tired body as the face tilts back in total relaxation
early morning rays stream through the window coloring the walls of steam

Gone are any thoughts of all that has to be done today
only that now it just feels so good and all is right with the world
nothing but warmth running down and surrounding like an embrace
never ending calm and peace and a sense of pure tranquility
and the once dark room has gently begun to gently lighten

The water stopped and the enveloping fog dissipates as the door opens
refreshed,relaxed as comforting warmth intermingles with subtle coolness
ever wondering what the day would hold and turning on “the happy switch”
and the aroma of the fresh coffee filters it’s way into the room
the eyes now open and awake were drawn to the window

Sunlight pulls back the blanket of night unveiling the colors of life
ordinary and expected is now marveled and treasured
magnificence so taken for granted like so much often is
even now actually seeing a blade of grass grow
oneness.......
never to be duplicated........
everlasting images remembered with a slight smile

Lonely car headlights on make their way to their early destinations
instant reminder that before dawn has broken the road will call another
kindling thoughts of things to be done this day..of hopes to be realized
exhaustion once felt..covers flung back..feet hit the floor now a memory

Silence interrupted as quiet music clicks on
home is a place and a state of mind as well as a state of being
images abounding with thoughts and recollections and hopes and dreams
the lyrics always have such heart and meaning no matter what style music

Another gift is given with this day
the new first day of life and the chance to make it

Lingering thoughts and the quiet ticking of a clock as the time passes
even the tossed and crumbled blanket on the bed beautifully artistic
as the top edges radiate and gradate down into rich blacks
silent footsteps across the wood floors through the shadowed rooms
the glow of the small red light defines the destination — coffee

Hardly a sound is heard inside or out during the journey
anticipation of the first taste
voices harmonizing in the distance
eyes looking into swirling black liquid as if studying a crystal ball

The heat from the cup warming the hands during the return
here’s to the day..............
endless possibilities.............

Deliberation on what to wear doesn’t take long
essential is only knowing the weather outside
coffee tastes good especially when all is done...and there is still time
enthusiastic enjoyment sipping moving from bedroom to kitchen
new shadows moving across the back yard out the window over the sink
curious heads of young deer raise hearing the running water in the sink
yearning for time to stand still longer so as not to break the spell

They edged so very close to the house....such a beautiful peace and calm
odyssey complete, they make their way toward the back of the yard

Leaping playfully to the woods where magical beams lit the smoky haze
enchantment at it’s finest
timeless in it’s imagery...everlasting as the questions of the universe

The smile returns as attention is given to coffee pouring.........again
hours passing, but still a little time to just sit
energy renewed and the day to soon begin
many thoughts of the day bringing focus and order

Knowing that the daily surprises will come
never hinders thoughts of the newness of the day
obstacles to overcome only reinforces commitments made
where wishing inspires thoughts then from those actions.....achievement

Warming car waits and welcomes and knows the way to go
heavens vast ahead opening endless possibilities
yesterday a memory, tomorrow a dream, today a reality........





all made good — if you make it so.........

(to too many people too many times)

the eve is here..........the day of the eve...............already
all is quiet..........
paper.........scissors.........tape..........
and it’s still dark........and quiet.............
and smile at the mess..........
.........................................................................it’s here so quickly

and the hopes of the new day............they don’t change..........
but it’s almost like a reassertion.......................
a belief renewed..........a spirit reborn..........on this day...................
in humanness
in goodness
in what is right
a fulfilling warmth

and there you sit...........
you and the world..............those who mean so much...........
there........a years worth of thought — and true, it may have been just gotten —
but it was so right
it was there and you knew............
what a feeling..........
and there may not be snow.............but it is that time..........and you can’t wait...........

all year you may give, but this is different — why ?

i don’t know, it just is.................
through holidays and birthdays..........anniversaries and “just ‘cause”..........
and you take each in your hand.........one at a time..........
and you look..........and you remember it — when you bought it..........
and what you were thinking
and why it meant so much............all is remember — the why.......................

everything is so right — so good............
and you smile.......
and nothing else matters — whatever might have passed.........
everything is so right — so good............
paper.........scissors.........tape..........
quiet.............though music is in your head........
and smile at the mess..........all around...........
and one at a time you begin to bring order to the whole....................


there’s a little light in the sky........
now and again a slow moving random car making it’s way to a destination..........
the way long or short..............
there is an excitement.............in the giving — can’t wait to see the faces..........and the beams still lighting the way..............

what other santa’s are working through the night................
age knows no bounds when it comes those hearts.....................
they look forward to nothing but the joy.........
the happiness...........
the smiles and surprise.........that they hope to bring..............


no snow — but it is all the same..........
the anticipation is as great for the giver as it is for those who receive............


will it make them happy..........
will they like it..........
will it mean something to them.......i really thought it would..........i didn’t just buy to buy........



what if they don’t like it.........
did I really mess up.........
what if they don’t like it..........will they give it to somebody else.......or just keep it in the closet to throw out in years to come.........


all was so fine — where did that come from — why did that come............

and then you study the eyes...........

then there are those you couldn’t catch..........so you drop off...........

and then............

no word...........no call...........written.........spoken.........left on machine...........

maybe it wasn’t gotten
they were out of town
they were busy
they forgot...............................................they didn’t mean too — it is such a busy time................

oh — see.........hope they say something................nothing............

then — another.................oh so stupid...............bring it up in conversation — swore you wouldn’t do it..........couldn’t stand not hearing anything from another — got to find some way to see if it was at least gotten..........not looking for a thank you...............just didn’t want something
to be.............................................................................m e a n i n g l e s s


this isn’t that time of year..............meaningful — everyone and everything is meaningful...............


When did it change...........Why did it change.............all those people who thought and hoped and wished and.............i can say i am sorry and i wish this had never happened to you.........but I can’t explain any of this and I don’t know how to make it better......................i have never seen this kind of thing — who knows, maybe people have been like this for years and i just never had seen
before...........sheltered...................

at this point i will take anything as an answer..........but....it is only after a time — not just some days or a few months.......................


all I know if this is how things are.............if this is how people are changing to be..........then........

I am...................................


wishing i never was

i want the day to be over
i want this year to be over
i want over to be over

no hi’s
no nods
no smiles
no handshakes
no hugs
no nice words
no kind actions
no cards
no acknowledgments
no remembrances
and for god’s sake...........no presents

don’t want any of it
have no use for any of it

it doesn’t mean anything away
why have it

...........................................................it’s all lies anyway

when something is of no more use..........whatever that use may be...........
it is........
discarded
ignored
rejected
disregarded

...................not even forgotten...............
forgotten is an accident...........................

such is
deliberate
calculated
mean
hateful

....................................inhuman

only try to be one thing
and
only wish for one thing

.............and if that can’t be..................
none of the rest matters

...................................................................Merry Christmas

a rapsymphony


(blusey and soulful)

for a lot of years i’ve had time to observe
to reflect and to think
is this what others truly deserve
a nose up like they stink

people not thinking before they do
but screaming out real loud
when done to them too by others who
made “them” dirt beneath the plough

but these same folks are not the ones
who are innocent from the start
those poor slubs from stanza one
your story in song from the heart


(with a driving, percussive beat)

from the time that i was little
simple thoughts were taught to me
the human spirit --- a miracle
you could feel as well as see

from little words and little actions
to those grand beyond belief
speak 'em, learn 'em, live 'em
and you'll forever know relief

it started oh so long ago
with the birth of man, i'm sure
the helping hand of friendship
that "togetherness" --- will endure

from simple thoughts, in writing placed
ten goods inscribed in stone
to guide the human spirit
man's goodness forever known

then simplified, as time did pass
into a simple phrase
"do unto others" --- so it goes
"they will do to you your days"

yet good and bad they did exist
as did the right from wrong
but the human spirit continued
to thrive and pressed along

when that trouble came a knocking
by the side they were there to stand
when help was a needed
they were there with a helping hand

but along the line it did happened
do not know the why or when
but more and more it sure has grown
never to return to "them" again


(pounding syncopation)

The sky is clear and the sun is bright...................

Just as happy as can be..................................

The winds of change are comin'...........................

cause babe..............................It's All About ME


i said hello, even shook a hand
are you livin' in a fog
better clean those glasses, that's nothin' special
hell, i do that with a dog

you were there and helped, well ain't that nice
p.t. barnum would be proud
brother take it while the takin's good
learn this and say it loud


You need a hand..........i'll stretch mine out..........

And watch your security.................................

Then i'll pull it back and watch you fall...............

cause bud..............................It's All About ME


you thought that i would help you
you thought i was a friend
you thought i’d be there for you
even like you.............just a trend


You need a mouth........mine’s full of words.........

See, speak, hear — now onto the second of the three

Why would ya even think that answer’s would come

Wake up...............................It’s All About ME


no matter what it was you thought I said
i’ve got way to much to do
other things are more important than
to waste time on the likes of you


You need an ear..........well mine’s right big..........

When you need, i’m totally free.........................

Now i got your heart and i’ll stomp it good.............

cause you..............................It’s All About ME


in darkest times, those blacker than black
your shoulder and concerned words fair
now i see ya on the street and walk right past
cause brother you’re jus not there

don’t be no wuss....spill out the woos
come on and have some fun
look pathetic --- let sympathy pour out
and then take the “money” and run


I’ll say to you any words you want.........................

Eyes and embrace earnest as can be.........................

Then i’ll turn my back and smirk with a smile..............

cause friend..............................It’s All About ME


(rhythmic coolness)

I know there is some history............................

But what is that to mean to me..........................

The lesson here is easy like a A, B, C..................

Don’t need no pen and paper, chump......................

For lord’s sake — save a tree...........................

Let me school ya boy....................................

Don’t be no lump........................................

jus repeat after me.....................................


Wake up now ya, stupid jerk.............................

It’s just a simple 1, 2, 3.............................

The answer’s clear as the day is long..................

Now listen.............................................It’s All About ME


(wailing gospel)

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER.................................................COME ON


The sky is clear and the sun is bright...................

Just as happy as can be..................................

The winds of change are comin'...........................

cause babe..............................It's All About ME


(Cresendo)


The sky is clear and the sun is bright...................

Just as happy as can be..................................

The winds of change are comin'...........................

cause babe..............................It's All About ME


cause babe............................It's...All....About.....ME
cause bud.............................It's....All.....About......ME
cause you.............................It's.....All......About.......ME
cause friend..........................It's......All.......About........ME

IT’S................ALLLLLLLLLL................ABOUT................MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...


(tempo and instrument change back to blusey — refrain mixed with following lyric)

Try as i might for years at a time
Talking real big.............to me and thee
Looking in that mirror..........the simple heart, mind and soul
Make me a wall then of feelings i’d be free


The simple truth........no matter what it brings..........

Dear lord don’t let anyone see................................


Unfortunately..........though with each year i try........
like so many others i want to be..............................


I couldn’t live with.......and just can’t say.................

Hey you............................................................It’s All About ME




"send in the clowns...........well maybe this year"

so many things happen daily...........
and sometimes we forget some basic things and..............just react.....

each new day is a beginning......

it is filled with hopes and aspirations and dreams.......
things to be done....words to be spoken......people to see.........

it is a wondrous thing called life.


sometimes we forget to take time to appreciate each moment we are given..........
the people.......
the words.......
the actions.......
the times.....
— you know, the things that make each day special.........
little things as well as big.............

you know — others can do nice things for us.............
give us things that bring a smile to our face.........
and say things that touch us........

we need these things......
and love them and appreciate them.....
these kindness make us feel worth....

and they help us see and understand our importance.........
and this is good........

but we have to remember that though these things are truly needed......
others cannot “make our life happy”..........
that has to start within ourselves — our mind......our heart......
and we start the happiness..........

and you know — we mustn’t think of things as a burden.......
though some of what we may do might not be fun.......

but — if we take a minute to think of the benefit......
what it means to us..........
or how it may be of service to others........
or how it may help......
if we focus on the worth...............if we do that..........
then no matter how small or great the word or action may be..........

we then feel that we “did good”.........
and with doing good comes the realization of the “worth of me”...........


we are on this earth to help others.......
it is in giving that we live.......

you know — we shouldn’t think of something small as being worthless.......
it meant something to those on the receiving end........the “hi, good morning”.........
the smile.........
the helping hand............
the pat on the back...........
the phone call.............
the surprise visit...........


never belittle what you do or who you are........


the fact is — there was a miracle that we were chosen to be here......................
a gift that was given.........................
and so — what you say.....
and the things you do..........
is a gift too.........................................................................
an unexpected miracle................

if you were never here............then it is true that those who never received that gift wouldn’t know or feel that anything was missing..........

but you........
we...........
they............are here......
and those who got the gift......do cherish it.............
and it isn’t............ trivialized..........

Life......the first of the two most blessed gifts............


.....the second is Friendship..........................

you don’t know how it happens...........................................................
but it is so treasured...........

people are brought into our lives................
they may be acquaintances or the may be friends..........
and they do impact us...........
consciously or unconsciously...........
they become a part of us..................they make us............


If these gifts are taken away....................................................
there is no greater pain.....................................................................

and it seems like that is the time when we say...........
“oh I wish I would have told them.....”............
“i should have done or said such and such”............
“this would have never happened if i.....”...........
and the list goes on.................


a word..............................
an action.................................
or lack of....................................
.............................................................................................................................and it’s all gone

I’m not sure why — but sometimes we forget.........

when we do to others................they live with the pain
when others do to us................we live with the pain

so we must be ever vigilant......
and not take for granted......
and not think of things as being a burden......

focus only on the worth of every little word and action........

and......if there is a question......
a thought......
a doubt......
an uncertainty — then ask.........
but never assume..........................................


thank God for life and friendship..................
with them come arms that will open and hearts that will listen........

..........and something has been learned.......and been strengthened......and worth and importance are experienced and shown again......


i know, you know — we all do.........
that life isn’t perfect.......we — are not perfect.........
but it is the striving to do good.......to be good........to make things good.........
to make things better........
to give of self........
to make the imperfections — the negatives — the hard times.......something good............

making it good for others, makes ours good.................................................


remind you of anyone.........well, it does me.........

so never doubt..............
the importance of self.............of you .......
the importance others place on you.......
and the importance of you to others........

To the gift that is YOU......

......With Love Always,
me

You.........................you are there......here..........


alone.......................or
in a crowd of people.................maybe a few........maybe a gathering.......maybe a lot..........
family.........friends........acquaintances........strangers..........

on a beach...........in the country..........or in a city

on the street
in a car
at a corner
on the job
in a mall
at a party........... you are there

simple.......plain......sometimes almost anonymous — nothing special...........
unassuming
trusting — of all.......
actions and words..


Life-size...........................ordinary..................unadorned................
sitting...........................................................................................................................................
standing...............................................................................
..............thinking......dreaming......imagining......wondering......listening......
.......................................................................................
quietly listening — thoughtfully.........understandingly.........genuinely.............
..........................................................................completely...
see it........it’s in the eyes — it’s all in the eyes..................................


your words — heart-felt and open........
caring..........honest..........aware.........considerate..........sometimes many....
sometimes few.......
always there

with unencumbered thoughtfulness.....

simple.....plain.....sometimes almost anonymous — nothing special
unassuming
trusting....ordinary....unadorned...

you are there......here..........



your touch — gentle and reassuring.......
firm..........guiding..........secure.........compassionate........when needed.......
when not............
always there

with unfeigned devotion


your heart — steadfast and loyal......
constant........unselfish........vulnerable........endless........without thought.....
without reason.......
always there

with unparalleled trust


your strength — goodness and compassion
thoughtful..............resolute..............earnest..............unconditional.....
no expectations.....
always there

with uncompromising belief


simple.....plain.....sometimes almost anonymous — nothing special
unassuming
trusting....ordinary....unadorned...

you are there......here..........



and you don’t even know......don’t even realize — couldn’t even imagine.......wouldn’t even cross your mind............

your eyes would question......there’d be a crooked smile......probably a little laugh — a slight shake of the head..........

your eyes..........an opened book
your arms.........an opened door
your heart.........an opened hand
your being........an opened gift


there are no poems or songs, no writings or articles, no magazines or books,
no paintings or sculptures, no movies or plays, no streets or highways,
no parades or commemorative days.


are you man or woman,
are you young or old,
are you black or white or all the colors in between..................
are you quiet or loud,
are you outgoing or reserve,
are you near or far or just always there...................
known a long time or short....................
....................
....................
....................
....................

Does the endless list really matter...........and though others may not.........
think a minute and.........
you will............know....................................................
you are a part of who I am........you..........
have made my life.............................


simple.....plain.....sometimes almost anonymous — nothing special
unassuming
trusting....ordinary....unadorned...



you are there......here...............

..............................in my mind.......in my heart.......in my soul........

You.........................you are there......here...................You are a Friend
but so much more....................................

You....................

You Are A Hero...............and will always be............to me


Thank You

Sometimes confusion...........................and you find yourself sitting and staring..
at a blank wall...........and can’t even figure how long you've been staring.............
hours that seem like minutes..........................................the fan’s still turning — playfully tossing moon beams across the dark ceiling.........................................
the gentle scents of flickering candles........


Sad.........a wall........................a blank wall.......................a blank mind...........


you’d at least think there would be a feeling of rest.........................
..................................a calm....................in this quiet solitude......

Instead............it’s rapid heart beats — pulsing in the head — thick translucency
instead of vision that brings awareness back............


with awareness comes thoughts.....................which brings on questions
which are followed by possibilities — but not by answers.......................
no, never by answers........................................................................
.........................................oh well

which are then followed by more confusions.........................................


which is then followed by...........................................................................
apprehensionshesitationsindecisionsskepticismssuspicionsuncertaintiesunset
tlednessmisgivingsnothingnessmisinterpretationsinhibitionsmistrustsemptines
smisunderstandingsconfusionslonelinessselfdoubtsterriblefeelingoflossandthe
ntearsandneverknowingorunderstandingwhyotherswoulddosuchthingstoanothe
rforapparentlynoreasonatallanddontandwonteventaketimetoletthemknowwhyo
rwhattheydidtocausesuchthingstohappen...........

spinning like the fan flickering
it’s distorted shadows on the wall — lacking all clarity of form..............
but it’s blades rhythmically striking the mind


and all that comes into your mind is ----------- “What ?”.............which is then.......
followed by more confusion confining....debilitating....unrelenting....unforgiving.....
....................................and then.....................................................................
blankness.........................................................................................blackness

Fix........Fixed.......Fixing

To Fix..........To Be Fixed........To Have Been Fixed


F I X :

to solidified, to make firm, stable, or fast;

to set or place permanently; to fasten immovably; to establish; to implant; to secure; to make definite.

to hold steadily; to direct unwaveringly.

to transfix; to pierce..........to render permanent.

a position of difficulty or embarrassment;
predicament;
dilemma.

to put in order; to arrange;

to dispose of;

to adjust; to set to rights; to set or place in the manner desired or most suitable.............................


Wooooooooooooow.....................thank you...............thank you very much.........

— no, I mean it.............I do..........

one look in those eyes and.......................I can tell you think................................
I am being what ?


nothing hidden ------- honest.............
just me......................just words......................and......


i mean look — look at that list .............................................
.........................................................................................
.........................................................................................
.........................................................................................
.........................................................................................
.........................................................................................

who could ever imagine that one person
could have ever done so much for another...........
................................................................................thank you


i mean something — i now have worth — and..........................................and that is something great....................................and it’s all because of you....................




thank you for the fix ‘er up...........................

We — people.........we are so backwards.........and I’m not sure why..........

I have tried to figure it out — for centuries...........and I just have not been able to understand.......

I have not been able to figure out the problem.........or cause.........or confusion.........


We are given miracles..........there are miracles in our life.......... and there isn’t sound effects and
light shows most of the time...............


We have in our lives...........family......loved ones........important people — and we call those people......................................
.........................................................Friends.......

In one way or another, these people have been brought into our lives..........and we into theirs.......

And somewhere along the line..respect.............admiration............
friendship..................love...............Keep the words coming....

But put it all together...........and we have..........a friend........
Friends


And friendship.........like all the wonderful things in the world.........requires work........

It’s true that it is a gift given...........but it’s not the kind that you put on your shelf and look at and dust once in a while — those are presents................

And like most things I say — in written......or.......in verbal form — I haven’t said anything that people don’t already know.................
you’re too intelligent and understand everything.......................

so why the confusion..............why the problem......................
hopefully not a game.........


And we know that friendship (a relationship of any kind)......involves trust and honesty............
kindness and thoughtfulness............
concern and caring.................
giving and sharing....................

in one word — it is......Love......


We know even when these things aren’t spoken or written — that these are things that are involved....................


And we say and we hear — I’m your friend............
— If you ever need anything just call me.........
— I’ll help in any way I can..........
— My door is always open........
— You can count on me any time — day or night....
— You need help — nothing is too big or small....
— Need to talk..................
— I love you..............

I know........there’s more.........................

But We Are So Backwards....................!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



If we need to talk...........If we want to ask for help........whatever

— we worry our friend(s) will.......

- think what we will talk about will be a waste of their time.........

— that it is unimportant..............

— that what we are thinking is ridiculous and unfounded...........

— will take offense or misinterpret what we are saying..........

and on and on.............

— we shouldn’t ask to spend the night..........we shouldn’t ask for a ride........or help moving.......or for an ear.........or for time........or..........or.........or, or, or.....................

— we can’t ask for a place to stay.........we can’t ask for money..........we can’t ask for time.....or sincerity or honesty or response............or help...................of any kind......

And again — the list is endless..........



And there is always the pause.....a thought — “should I.......”

and then we always think it through and weigh it out and debate..............


Our first thought is that we will be an imposition on our friend(s).....

Which leads to — if I ask (whatever) — what will they now think of me.........

And that grows into anxiety because you need help........and help isn’t coming.........you don’t know how to make it better........

And then you can’t eat............you can’t sleep........and everything — every thought and feeling and emotion continues to swell.........................


BUT THEY ARE A FRIEND — and by everything that is involved with being one..............there should never be any worry...........

Everybody know what a friend is and what friendship involves.......................................................
.....................................................................................................................................Don’t They


Miracles are here...........Miracles are given to us................
often.....all we have to do is accept........

nothing even expected in return.......


so why are we so backwards..........

And one by one, the soft droplets fell.........and in time, they turned to a gentle rain — and after a while it was a spring shower.........

but before long................

the rains poured and the skies opened and the flood gates burst...............pounding rhythmically................

And the man stepped out on his front porch — nothing more than a small cement slab with two steps leading up — and he sat in his plastic chair...........just watching for hours this symphony of water..........

Before his eyes, the street were covered with water..........inch by inch, the water rose — it was indeed a site to behold — like a pool being filled.........and calmly he sat........................

And up the street drove a truck............the driver poked his head out the window and shouted to the man — “hey........come on and hop in.............this rain is not going to stop anytime soon and the flooding has already started — everybody’s leaving — I’ll take you to safety”..........

And the man called back — “ it’s all right..........I know God and I’m with God — he’ll protect me..........I’m in no danger..........I’m safe and I’ll be just fine............but thanks” — and he waved to the driver with a smile..................and he watched as the truck disappeared into a curtain of water..............

And water rose before his eyes — covering his little porch — and as he hung out the front window of his livingroom, he watched as the rains washed the plastic chair down what use to be the street.............

So high had the water rose that a boat motored it’s way up the street — and the driver, seeing the man in the window shouted, “come on friend — come aboard — I’ve got room.........these rains are going to keep falling — I’ll take you to safety”...........

And the man called back — “No worries...........I’ll be safe — God is watching over me and He will keep me safe............I have known Him for a long time.........I’m safe and I’ll be just fine.........but thanks”...............and he waved to sailor with a smile..........and watched as the boat sped away.............

You guessed it — the rains kept coming and the water kept rising — and the man ended up on the roof of his house............

And sure enough — a helicopter hovered above him and dropped a ladder — and the pilot shouted down to him — “climb up the ladder and I’ll take you to safety.........your house is going to be under water in no time”

And the man called back — “you go on...........everything is going to be fine and I will be safe because God watches over me and will raise me up and keep me safe..........I’m safe and I’ll be just fine..........but thanks”..............and he waved to the pilot with a smile........and watched the helicopter fly away............

...........and the man died............you guessed — he drown...........


And the man walked through the gates of heaven, he was greeted by God............

After a moment......and looking quizzical, the man shook his head...and cleared his throat......looked up and asked................

“God — I have tried to be a good man......live a good life......follow you and treat all as I believed you would have wanted”............

“Yes — you did...........you did all these things..........and so very much more”, God replied.

“Well then why did you take me...........why didn’t you save me — I was sure that I would be saved — why didn’t you send me a miracle”...........

God looked...........and stared........and then laughed out loud — “For pete sake, ya big dummy --- what the hell did ya want — I sent not one but three — I sent ya truck..............a boat .............and a helicopter for God’s sake — how many damn miracles did ya want.....................what the hell did ya expect — sound effects and light shows !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”..................

The line is so amazingly straight.......single........unbending.........
simple........such a clear division
............heaven and earth..............

separate, but one..........so vast, yet confined..........all showing, but still unknown..........

From this place..................................sky and water.........
an infinite expanse ------ as endless as imagination..................
as hopes and dreams..............as thoughts of adventure............

Posing questions of the universe.......and.......holding all the answers


Solitude...........
Tranquility.......
Calm................
Peace...............
Beauty.............


Pure perfection........................................
even so more now.............at this hour...........................

the perfect oneness of sky and water as the deep blue-black melds into a warm enveloping blanket in it’s coolness wrapped round.............. and there is a rightness............a completeness...........
as the tall sea grass blows gently, eyes gaze upward...................

the heavens motionless....................smiling......................
caressing.........................
the stars making pictures in the sky..................

It’s nice..........................................comforting in it’s mystery and in it’s clarity.......


........the mind thinks...............wonders...............ponders................
Past................Future................................................................................Present..........

How many have sat in this very same spot.........have done the same thing............have seen what is being seen...................have thought the same thoughts............and asked the same questions.....

How many in the years to come will do the same......................


We are so alike though we try to be different.............................
We have the same wishes..........
And dreams..............................
And hopes................................
And desires..............................
And wants................................
.............................................................................And fears and anxieties and worries..................
sadnesses...........................
nightmares..........................
tragedies...........................

the same..................................



Stretch — stand............................listen................the subtle pulse of life............a unison..............
the quiet roll of the surf............serene rocking of waves together with the beating of hearts and the rhythm of breathing................ are in total synchronicity..............

and a whisper.............a touch.................the three are one...........connected.............. being drawn down the dunes to the sands of the beach..........................................

........................thoughts..........remembrances......................simple times and laughter and fun and warming sun and cooling water........friendships and smiles..................uncomplicated joy and goodness.............images of play and castles..........and running to the water’s edge and being chased back to the safety of the beach by the playful waves..........................

This is the beach..................


and the line is so amazingly straight.......single.......unbending......
simple........such a clear division............
heaven and earth..............

glowing with the warm light of the sun breaking the new day ever so slowly unfolding.......

and colors fill the sky with beauty beyond imagination..............and the glistening dots of reflection of the beams on the water tenderly spring up as waves whimsically toss them from one to the other playing a fanciful symphony...................life giving.........

............inviting with arms open.........
............calling with whispering promises........
............unveiling the point..................

the question of all time revealed................
there is the point...............


The soothing breeze nudges......The peaceful light encourages.....The life giving blues so crystal and clear encompass and pull...................there............oh......oh there is the point...........

Race you to the point..................
voices friendly..........honest eyes........genuine smiles........kind words.................
trusting.........true.........belief..............

turn to see.............

there is the beach...........this is the bay.........there is the point...............................


With each step................thoughts.........questioning doubts suppressed by unwavering faith...........

What is the point
WHAT.........is the point
What.........IS........the point
What..................is............the..........POINT


Race You To The Point.................................................................................................................


Here for you.....by you......with you.....................................................................................always


Reach for the point.......only a little farther.........within grasp...................soon you’ll have it...............................................................................
.............................................................................................



Ahhhhhhhhhh......at last................................


..........and twinkling colors soften and blur through blue as surroundings embrace and gently rock..........floating.............. weightlessly suspended in mother’s womb............comforting assurance...........the perfect oneness as the deep blue-black melds into a warm enveloping blanket in it’s coolness wrapped round...........................
...............and there is a rightness.............a completeness......................


.............faint................................dimming................................murky grayness..........................veiled obscurity.................numbing isolation.........
.....................fade.................................to............................................................................................................................................................................................................blackness





They say Never Swim Alone................
Safety
Security
Protection

Help...............always there if needed..............................
you can be sure of that.......................count on me.....................................


That look.......................genuine..........
That word.......................reliable..........
That hand.......................outstretched..........
That mind.......................steadfast..........
That fight to the death.........determined persistence...........

I Believe You..........and In You..........and For You.............

Belief ----------------------------------------------------------- Faith




Look around............................they may say — Never Swim Alone...............................................

but they’ll watch you drown anyway............................................................









warning and read all signs.................................................excuses forthcoming

When you sit...............you become very aware...........
there is the quiet...........

Soft faded sounds of cars driving past down the distant road.................and you wonder where they might be going...................sitting in your immobile state...........restrained — you can’t move.............the weight presses against your legs and chest...................and the cars hum past and you want to go down that road too —
but can’t.........................

Weighted down..............................................nothing there

and a soft breeze moves gently round — a slight coolness — brushing against a face.......across closed lids.........mixing with shallow breath..........in............out............in..........and the head tilts back and the fan turns in the darkness catching brief rays of moonlight through a window hypnotically casting it’s spell................swirling intoxication.............and the mind too swirls..............with thoughts and non-thoughts trying to make sense of the motionlessness.....numbness......emptiness in the simple quiet.........................................................
even the cars are passing in quiet now as if they too know what is.................what is meant to be...........................

A void is felt within...............even in the mind — and as it swells — the void — the pressure begins to dissipate and................as if allowed..........but the mind is still blank --- there is a feeling that there are questions............but nothing clear...............so where to begin............there is no starting place.................

Roaming through the darkness..........one room at a time — feeling the away — deep shadows in the blackness peaking caution....................with hands outstretched and steps hesitant — eyes darting.......looking, but not seeing.........all senses trying to illuminate so pitfalls are evaded.........walls, furniture, doorways, steps.............waiting as anxiety heightens..............and the walls of isolation, obscurity, seclusion and solitude close in and the door of confinement locks tight..................

Questions..........
questions — knocking.........pounding........rattling —
mind still blank........
it feels like questions........................but nothing is there.....
everything everywhere is black —
where’s the light.........
just a little......that’s all.......brief.......on/off.................
can’t see them.........can’t think them........can’t unlock them —
they are there.........

Those walls are moving again...........................can’t see them...........but can feel them.........
Yes..............they — are — moving............................
Without even a sound...................................

Sweat beads.............A tear rolls..............

The breeze..........look up — the fan ?............here ? — I haven’t moved ?.........walked ?
Yes..........I did....................
I’m sure I did....................
How...............when did I........
How could I be here..........back here............still here...........
With the weight pressing against my legs and chest.....................

Weighted down..............................................nothing there

The hours spent..........time totally lost — and never to be regained...
How long have I been here..........restrained..........
At least for a time there was movement...............................at least it felt as if there was

Not knowing.........knowing nothing...........................kept in the dark — that’s the darkness......and how black it can be................................well it is said that ignorance is bliss........

Wait...........well it is said that ignorance is bliss — again........the walls........the walls — they moved......................m o v e d............no — not closer — back.....................

Ignorance is bliss......................look..........more — in the darkness..........seen..........more again....
Back.........again they moved back......................pressure lessening..............a little............

Ignorance and Avoidance — yes...........that’s it...................
Ohhhhhhhhh — there.......a flash of light.............see it......................
Walls moved again.........
Ignorance......................and.....................Avoidance

Light — there again..........
Ignorance..............................pressure lessening more.........

Ignorance
look but don't see
hear but don't listen
talk but don't speak
And.................Avoidance — walls.............did ya see...........

Avoidance
don't seek
don't question
don't invite


Ignorance is bliss
Ignorance is bliss
Ignorance is bliss.................and Avoidance.............

The door — it’s ever so slightly......slowly......opening

Walls..............Door...........Light...................

YES................

You have the knowledge...........and knowledge is power...........and it’s power over all..................

The key.................it’s now in hand............

Don’t ask questions.................Don’t look for answers..............
don’t read writings —
don’t interpret words —
don’t look to eyes for meaning —
don’t open hearts for giving —
don’t open minds for understanding..........


and freedom.........will.........be..........yours..............

At the end of it all...........everything was fine — I knew it would be.........it couldn’t have turned out any other way.................it was no emergency, for God sake..........

But............how can I even talk about this — it is so wrong.............no, “it” wasn’t, was it.........................?

I was....................................................I...................................
was..........................................................................................
............................................................................................................................................................................................
............................................never mind......................


Anyway, I did nothing — well maybe not nothing........and everything is fine......really — I am telling you......fine......

but — one, I went to sleep...........I fell asleep — who cares — the fact is that before the situation was resolved............and I knew............I actually saw that everything was fine — I slept.......that’s right — slept.........

anything could have happened --- nothing did, okay........and I slept..................I knew help was needed and I slept...............no --- i didn't "know" it was needed......the night was good........we were all just having a good time and it was late.........going to sleep with the warm laughs of friendship in your head --- it's nice and all is good with the world, ya know..........good friends..........nothing like it...........


don't read --- don't know........hear words --- don't know........look past eyes --- don't know.......don't ask --- don't know.......don't seek out --- don't know........only going to get avoidance anyway --- why bother --- still don't know...................too much work and bother.........

excuse...........


just rambling......don't know what brought that on...........anyway --- it was a good night and and everything worked out...........and sleep was good and needed --- I just slept.....




That will never leave my mind.............


And as horrible as that is — I even found a way to go one step worse.........hard to believe isn’t it...........but.................I didn’t call — anyone.........no one — of all those I have heard are friends........I have known to be friends...........I didn’t call..........

I simply looked at the time and thought it just was too early to bother anyone.......you know --- you don't just do that.......people need sleep and rest — and I just knew that everything was going to work out and be okay...........and besides after all it was 2:30........3:00 am........in the morning.........and all turned out.........there was no emergency.................

........so many people — I have heard say — we are your friends..........we will always be there for you......if there is anything you ever need.........trust us to always be there......we love you..............

And — they truly are friends.......and I didn’t call.......

and I don’t know why — yes I do......it was too early and I didn’t want to bother anybody with something that I knew would be fine --- that's the truth........plain and simple..............it would be.........

So — all is good and nobody was bothered..........you know if you bother friends......they’re not going to be friends for long...........

I mean after all, suppose it was fine — what would they think of me — waking them at an un-Godly hour to help with something that was fine and nothing important — no emergency.........

I mean they would probably be upset — I’m sure.........I mean, why call anybody if you don’t know anything is really wrong.......
I just knew...............................................................................

............Well I felt I knew.............that everything was all right and that there was absolutely nothing wrong........



Okay,Yes — I was out with friends earlier and we were having a good time........it’s nice to just hang with folks — you know...........the days are so filled with work and activities and obligations, that it is really nice to sit.....................have few drinks.....some laughs...............and some good ole conversation............

Sometimes things are a bother, ya know...........and there is no sense breaking everything up and worrying about --- nothing.............I mean we were really having a good time and nothing sounded like it was all that important that everything just had to be dropped..............good people........good fun.......good times...................






Hey listen — I want you to know that it is really nice that you are taking time out of your schedule to listen to me..........I have no idea why I’m talking so much — this definitely isn’t like me..........do you come here much — would you like something to drink or are you doing okay for now...........oh - kay — yeah, I’m fine too............

you know, sometimes it is really good to just talk to somebody. I know there’s lots of times when things happen and there is really nothing anybody can do about it..........they can’t really help..........it’s something you can’t take back or change — but, boy if you had the chance to do it all over again, you would do something different............................
different..............................you know what I mean ? Has that kind of thing ever happened to you where you wish you could change something or take something back.............

But I have found that even though somebody can’t “do anything” — that it is good to talk...it kind of gets you to think out loud...........and you can often find some answers...........or sometimes it’s just nice.......it’s good to share with somebody.............

I am really glad you’re here................oh yeah — I said that already..........well thanks anyway........I mean it................

So it was a nice evening and we were all just so relaxed.......................I am really glad you’re here.............






And — I would answer the phone..........it wasn’t like I wasn’t and just ignoring — but all was fine and I could just tell..........you know what “texting” is....well, we were texting.......and things were fine.........just telling what was going on and — all was good.............you can sense things like that..........

and I didn’t call.......and I don’t know why — yes I do......it was too early and I didn’t want to bother anybody with something that I knew would be fine..............

it would be.........and they are truly friends..............................

They truly are and I didn’t want them to be worried and all worked up............

It is true I didn’t want to bother them......................................................
.....................................................................................

but............I a............okay listen.....................it was that i was.......I was really scared of them being mad.........mad at.........me...............and.......losing them over something that turned out to be actually nothing...............I mean — they would never be there again...............and they truly are friends — do you really know what it’s like to lose friends...................do you really know.........well I’ve seen it happen to
others............people close even........................just — left...........and it's....
.............................................................................................
.............................................................................................
And people can be so unforgiving..........what would they think.........what would they do............................................................................................
............................................................................................................................................................................................
............................................................................................................................................................................................
..............................................................................................................................................................



Well...............................I still...............I do still have them..........those friends..................my.......friends......i still have them and they're still there...........because i didn't call them over something i knew was fine..........and was
nothing to worry about --- so i still have my friends........................................
i just don't have....................................


Boy look at the time.........where'd it go so fast.........well............Thank you for being for being here.........for a...................listening.....

Thank you

you want anything else..........I can stay for another if.......oh..right.....................
Oh.................okay — night.................................good night.............


thanks again..............

Talk about bringing the sun — you never saw anything shine so bright — these eyes just lit up..........there was never darkness — just shining, wonderful, warm light............and that was the beginning of you...................................and the beginning of me..........and there has never been anything like it since.........

And all the words that I could ever write — any words that have ever been written or will ever be written can never begin to tell what that one single moment is..........the birth of a child — the birth of you.........

A new life — not only your, but all who are touched by that one moment.......a moment that will become many moments...........and moment into memories............and memories that do forever and continue to give life and bring meaning — to life..........

And some think miracles don’t happen............

There is a wonderful transformation — and every hope and dream every wished.........and new ones — they come from everywhere re-invigorate life and it’s meaning and all it should be............
Because of you.........

Who would ever think that one moment — one life — could do so much...........and bring so much change..........and happiness and good and belief...........

And the flood gates open and every thought.........hope......wish .......dream wash over..........and they’re true and heart-felt...........

I will be the best dad ever.........
There is nothing I can’t do..........
And I’ll show this little one the world.........
Everything is so good........
And the specialness of each person........
Everything is good — just look.........the grass......the sky......the world and people.......
Work hard.........
Be kind..........
Be honest..........
Always trust.........
Always share.........
Think of others...........
Give freely...........and quietly
Speak honestly ..........
Embrace life..........
Share self...........
Keep your heart open.........
Be a good man (woman)........and see the goodness in others.........
We all have faults.......that’s okay..........
Forgiveness is a virtue..........
And love is the greatest gift...........

I can model all this — you’ll see how important it is...........
Because when a hand is open to give..........it is open to receive............
And oh what you will receive...........
Kings don’t have treasures that are so rich...........


And now my angel...........my son — the hardest thing I have ever had to do............the only thing in the entire world I never thought I would have to ever do............

And the even sadder thing — it’s in writing............because I can’t even bring myself to do it face to face.....................




I apologize...................................................................................................................................

I am so very sorry — I did everything wrong...........everything I told you isn’t true............

I don’t know where to go from here..........you believed me.............you worked so hard at these things — I don’t know............you seem to do all of these things................and it’s all wrong and I don’t know if they are too much a part of you — I don’t know if you can change........I pray it’s not too late because if it is...........I am so sorry............................I didn’t mean to cause you pain..........I don’t want your life to be filled with such...........


Did I lie to you — no !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!........never — please believe me..........with all my failings that is the one thing I don’t do..........I would never do that to you............I swear to God.........

I thought I was doing right..........I did believe I was teaching rightly..............but angel, it was just a simple soul who wanted to see this..........who wanted to believe these things...........who............
Wanted the world to be colored glass and rainbows and who, after continual self-brainwashing, unknowingly convinced himself that it was..............

But the trouble with rainbows is that they fade..........
And colored glass can be shattered by one stone...........

And I kept painting and gluing.............without even thinking because I had gotten myself to believe..........and then — I did it to you............

You Have Got To Stop ! — build the walls — put up the shields............put on armour of the strongest metal known — and Believe NO ONE..................or believe, but always be ready...........

People think only of selves...........
People will do anything to get what they want.........
People will be nice to you until you are of no use to them........
People don’t care what you have done with or for them once they are bored with you.......
People will placate you.......that way you’ll stop.........
People will say they’ll be there for you.........and when you need — they’re not there.......
you timed your emergency wrong.......sorry....
People will say the most wonderful things........
and then out of the blue.......they’ll walk by you without a glance...........without a word........
And in a blink — you’re invisible...........
That saying you’re a friend..........is when it’s convenient........
That saying I love you — is for that time only..........it’ll change any minute........depends on how the wind blows that day..............

I’ve got to stop..............I can’t keep going now.........it hurts too much.........I’m too scarred......
For you..........for what I thought was good and believed and wanted it to be for you..........

I will talk more as thoughts come — slower.........calmer..........so I can explain more clearly and completely..........

Please forgive me....................I never meant to do so wrong............

“Love means never having to say you’re sorry” — Bull Shit

I have never loved more............as much --- very very close --- but close only counts in horseshoes...........

It’s dark............really very.......dark...........

You know — the kind of darkness where you can’t even see your hand infront of your face.....no matter how close it is to your eyes........it’s a very strange feeling — almost eerie.......

the kind where you feel totally disoriented.............lost........you have no sense of direction.......you don’t know where you are in relationship to where you have been............or how far you still have to travel before you are actually home and in the safety of your own 4 walls..........

— like traveling up mountains in western maryland in a thick fog..........or a swirling snow.........

and you have no idea how close to the edge you are before you go plunging over a cliff..........

And you stop the car — and breathe — and just stare.........even chancing to get out to walk on the road.......pace out ground — trying to orient yourself — where am I — and at the same time praying that there isn’t another vehicle coming from in front.......coming from behind — who is having the same problem............and they don’t see the car...........they don’t see you.........because it is so white........so thick..........even headlights don’t cut it until they are there on top of you.......

And you close your eyes and pray..............get back in the car.........and slowly make your way up the road.................until the next time — when the walls are too close and.........the the breathing goes rapid.........and the eyes blur from strain...........pounding heart hurts.........

And you ask to be brought safely home.................

Isolated
Deserted
Abandoned
Resignation
Confinement

Alone
Left

Surrender

that’s how dark it is................


There’s voices............hear them........wait..........talking......and laughing........
muffled..........................................................................................................
why

think..........listen............................try harder..........focus......

Can’t make out what they’re say...........................................
And there is laughing...................................well that’s good............comforting..........


Oh — smell...............food..............cooking...........aromas — like home when I was little......Oh.................nothing like it......
so close.......so warm.........
can almost taste it..........the ole stomach’s starting to growl

voices are getting clearer...........listen
it’s still dark.........................................................................................................why is it so dark


“Remember when........”.......................“That’s hysterical......I forgot all about that time”.........
“............always like that and never changed and was definitely one of a kind..........”

Only hearing part — can’t make it all out.....................but sounds like fun.............laughs and food and chatter — has to be fun.............

— wait — I know that voice.................another.....................is somebody crying.........

Somebody’s trying to make the cryer stop............it’s awful when someone cries — you just want to reach out — or at least get them to start...........it is so unsettling and it can ruin all the fun.........and everybody was having fun for God’s sake..........oh Lord — another one started.............will somebody please stop them..............let’s have fun..........nothing can be that bad................shut up......................

Who was that..........I recognize.............I know him.....her..........and another...............and another............and...............

It’s too dark..............................

And the laughter grows.............and so the talking...............

Like memories...........remembrances.........................................

.........what ????? — no — let me out — what..............I’m here ..............you’re getting loader — I HEAR YOU !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
STOP !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHUT UP — SHUT THE FUCK UP !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
voices......laughter.............fun............food...........NO...............why — it’s dark..........and close and I want to go home......what are you talking about — this isn’t true........

This isn’t true...........it’s not happening............where’s my front door................I want to be home — why aren’t I home.................I should be there by now............


It’s so dark......................feel totally disoriented.............lost........you have no sense of direction.......you don’t know where you are in relationship to where you have been............or how far you still have to travel before you are actually home and in the safety of your own four walls..........

PLEASE STOP !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Damn you.............now the nice words..........the good actions............the thoughts and kindnesses.....................






Why wait....................until they’re dead












Epilogue — why is this the way................we have all seen it........we have always heard it — those words........”I wish I could have told them..........I was going to see them and I just didn’t go............I can’t believe they are gone................I am really going to miss them.................if I would have only taken the time............” — and so on................

So why do we allow it to happen, when we hear and see so many others say and regret the same thing................why won’t we learn............why don’t we take the time to make the difference — at least within ourselves..........

it does take so very little.....................

Words — so many.......so few.....................doesn’t matter — they are just words.........words — words, right —
what’s the big deal short or long....
plain or sophisticated...............
suggested or specific................
spoken.........written — thought..........unspoken..........

but..................................always seen, always heard,
always realized --- trite maybe —
but always true...............................................


simple but complex.......in definition — in meaning —
in interpretation — in connotation........
in denotation.............................

synthesizing the syntax — such alluring alliteration
and insightful illumination..............
oh please...........

I didn’t mean it
You misunderstood
I spoke in anger
You started it
I can’t take any more
You are reading things into it

You are twisting my words around

You took it out of context

You don’t see my point
You don’t see what I mean
You don’t get it
You are making a mountain out of a mole hill........You....You....You....

Words — they’re either taken for granted.........misinterpreted...........or ignored............


Words — — — just frustrating.................................... why do they even exist..............................
Communication dummy — okay........so what...........


You say kind things.......
you speak with all sincerity..........
you take time to relate
thoughts.......feelings.......emotions........................................................
............................................................................................................................................................................................
............................................................................................................................................................................................
............................................................................................................................................................................................
..........and then there were none — words..........


..........don’t know which is worse ----
the _ _ _ _ _ _ _ words


Or the silence

Each new thing......person, endeavor — whatever — brings an excitement......a hope......a dream to be fulfilled.........

It can be seen in eyes and heard in voices........
There is a joy and happiness — a new life and vigor — energy breathed and anticipation flows......

Everything is brighter.......and clearer..........
colors
and sounds
and smells

and the daily time for self.........the quiet times...........oh there is such a peace........a calm.......even in the excitement —
and rest is even......so restful............

You find that you can’t wait for each new day.......
And how quickly the days go..........and even the every day ordinary is fun........it’s like life is new and there is something invigorating..........passions soar.........and dreams have clarity........and belief that the most unreachable goals can at least be touched...........

And look to the skies........and the radiant beams shine down through the clouds — like heaven’s pathways........golden and shimmering — glistening and showing the way.........

And we begin to see........we begin to understand...........

to understand — that you know what you are here for.........the place you hold....... a worth realized................what a rush...........

And all you want to do is to give and share......this happiness......
so open the curtains............or let loose the horses............or attack the battlements.........or....once more unto the breach — well....... ......whatever the saying is............

And it is in giving that we receive..........
And oh............what has been received..........

..........and those things are never forgotten because they are so freely given..........nothing prompted........nothing expected...................there is nothing more beautiful — and how it stays in the mind and heart...............



........being made painfully aware of one’s own insignificance.........

Validation...........




And..........................the unimportance of any thoughts........or words..........or feelings.............that are had...........or wished............hoped.............desired to be shared..........


But.................
there is no one to share with........
oh — they are there......here — and heard and
seen — talking.......laughing.....oh the fun
that is being had --- you can hear it in the
tempo of their voices......the chatter makes
you laugh.......

and look at the eyes --- when fun abounds --- the eyes sparkle and the smiles brighten........and you just feel --- no, you know......that all is right with the world.......there is nothing like it.......

well except children at play.......

they are there......here — and heard and
seen — talking.......laughing.....

not imagined.......but physically........
really..........
This is not a dream.

They are here.


But the eyes
and the ears are shut doors.
Locked.


there is no one to share with.............oh............


Sharing is a happiness.........a joy.........

bringing worth to others so they can understand who they are......and what they’ve done.......and how they are appreciated......and the gift they are..........



No one to share with..............got you....................oh.......


A piece of paper.......simple........unadorned —
sits unopened.......

Of course it can’t hold any worth.......it looks
like trash.......and soon to be discarded
with all the rest.........and forgotten.........

Sure it wasn’t important........

......but at least no one will notice that it was
ignored and tossed....
and not even read.......

Spoken words — easily blocked out,but
can’t disguise or hide that fact...

Writings — Emails — Phones — Texting.............

Unanswered.......Rejected.......Returned.......Non-Reponses — forgotten or avoidance.......will never know — but does it make a difference....even if accidental, doesn’t that prove it’s unimportance anyway..........



Such is hard enough when individually done — one on one — but in public for all to see..............

it was so quietly said, nobody heard..........it was just a look, nobody could possibly notice.....there was a awkward quiet, but only for a moment and it was played off..............

The embarrassment is like nothing else........

And you can only stand and look a fool because there
is nothing that can be said or done..........and often it is
such a surprise that all you try to do is make a dignified
exit — hoping to be gone before anyone has noticed.........
anything..........


Validation is good.......
Validation gives knowledge........
Validation is truth..............................even if it is not the kind hoped for.........


But — at least it is not placation...........
and it is honest.........and what good is anything if it is not
Honest..............it would be worse to be surrounded by lies............



See — good can always be found..........

All quiet.....empty.....vacant.....cold.....desolate...............stripped — Gone....just..................gone — shut tight........ boarded up — all beaten down and splintered.........worn.......chipped away — without beauty or life — no dignity left......or reason --------- locked.........forbidden.........
calm — d e a d calm.........


In a corner huddled........motionless..........in dark seclusion never dreamed........
no longer noticed, let alone seen.....never brought to mind, except during unexpected passings
.......and then only followed by quicken steps and diverted eyes.......or eyes that look (right through) but do not see.........as if what was once there is there no longer........

where did it go......................look into blackness.




It once stood tall for all........welcoming.......a shelter — open.........inviting..........warm — but, no longer — the foundation weakened from harsh elements around...........no longer strong..........
no longer supporting..........resistance weathered.......eroded.......washed away — and plasticity calcified.


There — wrapped in darkness so opaque — shadows foreboding.....cast.......

and fog hazing up obscuring what was once so easily entered....
and the way — once smooth and accessible and clear.....now —

cracked, overgrown, abandoned...............forsaken.


The key......lost.....................maybe thrown away........maybe hidden........maybe in a place easily found if thought was actually given — time will tell — and each board.......arbitrary, but placed with reason — solid.....strong.....now warped and rough — but set to protect what is inside........

— time — so quick..........so cruel.


And from the windows to the soul fell the slow single drops.........
solitary...........................alone and colorless.......

And all that shone — tarnished
And all that opened — rusted
And all that grew — drowned
And all that warmed — chilled.........


And the wind blew.................a voice whirling.........
surrounding.........penetrating.........cold — without heart...........
without soul.........

blurring sight........piercing sound........

squeezing — constricting — choking — pressing...............pain — sharp and unending......

gasps — air.............struggle — freedom............beg — understanding..........
pray — forgiveness.

A reach......a twist......a turn — no avail — no give.......not an inch — no opening.......not a crack.
Solid in it’s decay............the exterior.




Stand.....gaze.....think..........................approach — one step then another —footing uncertain....
nothing to hold.........no balance —

and the moon........it’s light........shining and beaming — offers no hand.....
no help...........insecure.......lost..........helpless..................and another step.....

Then another........small and careful — nothing sudden.........and continuing — heart pounds, head throbs, eyes water, mouth dries and thickens.......thoughts shooting....and strike............. unanswered......

doubt — fear — worry.........

and another step................................endless steps — and then......... there.........infront standing.............giving nothing — daring a word.......a touch........and eyes scan upward — a kindness......and the hand slowly reaches — outstretched.......offering......waiting.....
hoping for acknowledgment..........


Struggle for breath......for strength.....for courage — no harm meant.....only a want to see....to understand......to embrace the return of light so there is a clarity — shadows returned to the darkness so fear no longer suffocates goodness once there........

Breath held........and a gentle knock..........................no sound — strange............why — all things respond....................don’t they...........




Lost.......unsure.......hand out for support — a creak......a board in hand — and another — and another.......until a gentle push and a slow opening........a hope.........a growing.......a beginning — before the clouded wet eyes.........there unveiled darkness infinite — a step into the black..............but in................

cold — forbidden — but protected from the wind........a discordant silence.........and trepidation weighing heavily — no longer knowing what dwells within.........faltering thoughts grasping........anxiety — there’s nothing within reach...........

now what — think..........think...........careful — slow — thoughtful........

Look......but strain to See........
Listen.....but focus to Hear.......

One wrong step.......a word........an action — punishment will be swift........relentless.......unforgiving.......and the pit will open — and the fall endless......

so stand...........motionless.........as helplessness
surrounds..........advancing — breathing shallow.....

Noooooooooo — think.......before one step taken.



Slow circles in place — focus...........try — hoping for some guidance........

nothing can be seen.......there is no sound.....

and the only taste is of salt running down the cheek.......
intensify the senses for some clue.....will it come.....
and in what form........


Will it be recognized......or not noticed at all......will it come quickly without warning
shrouded in a cloak like a magician’s trick.......

or a game — strategic....planned — each move
reasoned.....calculated intensity with each blow
and waiting for the
decided.....inevitable...............

laugh..........................................




In this place there is no time...............only eternity — sameness.......no variation.....no change......

a barren obstruction........assaulting......attacking — uncompromising and intolerant........


There......is......hurt — anguish......so strong.....annihilating all function — paralysis of mind, body, emotion, soul — nothingness — frozen in glaring pitch of helplessness........wanting to run.....to hide....to withdraw..............treated as if unworthy of what was believed to be afforded to each by the very reality of birth........

how easily humanity is stripped away..........
how easy to become nothing..........

eyes......their avoidance say — it is so........
words......their lack show — it to be true......
actions..............speak volumes —
nothing need be said —

and the physicality of pain becomes an actuality not to be denied....
— no incongruity of eyes
— no misinterpretation of words
that even in the obscurity of the somber gloom that eradicates vision.......

there is clarity to action.........



Where is the beam to show the path.......some way to take......a step toward light.......and hours turn to nights — there are no days — not even grays........only endless destitute abandon.




In time — long after the legs have weakened and the weight of the outstretched arms throb and the back knotted — the steps of circles paced have widened.......but no support has been found.....

Inside, yet no walls.........perception confused — thoughts mangled — but memory.......vibrant.....
vivid.......and questioning still the reality.................

What brought this renouncement — this insufferable nightmare.....the imprisonment of spirit........the revelation of weakness.......the shunning of compassion.................................................the death of forgiveness.......

and the birth of guilt.....unrealized — unexplained......but guilt — hovering over as the oppressive cross burdened mind, body and soul — like a great hand bearing down till all strength weakened and gave way —
lowered and left "huddle......motionless.........
in dark seclusion never dreamed..........”




The floor.....course and faded......finish worn from wear......splintered from abuse — emptiness above as focused eyes — heavy........with dried wetness close.............but no rest.........just sharp pains that take breath away and cloud the mind with thoughts that drain and torment.......for even in repose, all comfort and warmth once given, are locked out as if they are unwanted and unwelcomed trespassers...........
head spinning..........
sweat pouring..........
Black........................


Eyes open........crusts flake away — body numb......saturated with damp......chilled sweat....


No concept of time.........the once seeming moments......days.....weeks.........have turned into enduring years of entrapment in this prison of culpability and failure.........scourged and thrown behind bars of unfriendly, unyielding indifference....

— for a crime neither tried or sentenced.........

No evidence offered
Nor defense allowed

and no time given for term of sentence.........of how long the incarceration would last..........and no apparent opportunity of sentence commuted or leniency for parole...............Guilty.




Wake..........!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...............


Outside.........standing.........looking through the darkness — it once stood tall.......welcoming all and greeting each new day........straight, clear path to it’s open door for all with warmth, friendship, heart — a protective oasis.......a safe haven — no pretense.......no expectation — simply.......................home.

A step forward — eyes strain to see.......mind open to comprehend.........
sadly, just.........a.........shell — no longer what it once was.....

Even through the gloom, memory of what was and sight of what remains — lingers.......haunts.....

untended.......overgrown — weathered......weakened — cracked.......shattered —
deserted........
abandoned....

how once important....matters not
how easily forgotten....what was
how once meaningful....empties out
how effortlessly left..........................................

......just a turn and walk



Even through the haze, simple realization is clear....
it did not need to become this.......

with a little thought........
want............
care.............
kindness..........

work……a little love --- and.......
a life restored..............


a little at a time and upkeep is so easy.......so right..........so simple........

yet — none given.................instead — simply left..........




It was more than just.......a house.

Not just dirt and lumber and brick and shingles and siding.....
Not just four walls and a roof and windows and doors and rooms......

It was a place to come to.......for welcome.....for wonderment.....
for eating and sleeping
for talking and playing
for sadness and smiles
for laughter and tears
for good times and bad.....


Not just men and women and boys and girls.....
Not just strangers or passerbys or acquaintances.....

Not just a house — not just by blood — not just by birth.......
for these do not by their very being make a family or make a home.........


It was......family......
true friends.....

Sharing and togetherness — Solitude and quiet times ---- Caring and love.........

It was.............................................H O M E...................




And as the day broke in all it’s glorious new blackness, the emptiness filled and a tear ran as I began to turned to away..........sadness enveloped all of me.....an then a thought — a simple truth.....a disquieting fact.....a tragic reality.......

— only Special is preserved.......

— all else is left to disappear into anonymity — as if it’s being (and all it once represented — it’s very reason) never mattered.......

..............it’s very existence wiped from the minds of those who had once cared...........or did they ever........



.........Things cared for have been preserved for centuries and will be for centuries to come —

Why do only some care and keep all that should be nurtured and treasured alive..............



In the stillness, a numbing.......raw thought..........

It seems to follow.........
......If there a those who are now so readily discarding what were things held as important......

what will happen — if it follows — that they then start discarding people........
friends.....
loved ones.....
family.................


.......and then — might they not forget them..............
and erase them............
and exclude them.....
from their life...............
from their memory.............
Oh God..........


It would be better not even to be...........or better not even to have been..........

Is there anything worse than to know that you are insignificant......not to be worth a thought or a word or a ..............even the time of day — you don’t exist.............now forgotten.......
now left to die......Oh God.......


such grief must not happen.......never was such a thing ever imagined — but yet, looming there for all to see was proof..........there was no denying that such acts are now in existence..........


At least there is memory and life there........A memory......pure......and lasting — isn’t there..........

I do not want to be This Old House..............




But as I walked into the fog and vanished from it’s sight into the never ending darkness...............
Gone.........just gone................




I Knew I Was.................................................................








..............Hope Never Dies

And as the day broke in all it’s glorious new blackness, the emptiness filled and a tear ran as I began to turned to away..........sadness enveloped all of me.....an then a thought — a simple truth.....a disquieting fact.....a tragic reality.......

— only Special is preserved.......

— all else is left to disappear into anonymity — as if it’s being (and all it once represented — it’s very reason) never mattered.......

..............it’s very existence wiped from the minds of those who had once cared...........or did they ever........


.........Things cared for have been preserved for centuries and will be for centuries to come —

Why do only some care and keep all that should be nurtured and treasured alive..............



In the stillness, a numbing.......raw thought..........

It seems to follow.........

......If there a those who are now so readily discarding what were things held as important......
what will happen — if it follows — that they then start discarding people........
friends.....
loved ones.....
family.................


.......and then — might they not forget them..............
and erase them............
and exclude them.....
from their life...............
from their memory.............
Oh God..........


It would be better not even to be...........or better not even to have been..........

Is there anything worse than to know that you are insignificant......not to be worth a thought or a word or a ..............even the time of day — you don’t exist.............now forgotten.......
now left to die......Oh God.......


such grief must not happen.......never was such a thing ever imagined — but yet, looming there for all to see was proof..........there was no denying that such acts are now in existence..........


At least there is memory and life there........A memory......pure......and lasting — isn’t there..........

I do not want to be This Old House..............




But as I walked into the fog and vanished from it’s sight into the never ending darkness...............
Gone.........just gone................




I Knew I Was.................................................................









..............Hope Never Dies

Wake..........!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...............


Outside.........standing.........looking through the darkness — it once stood tall.......welcoming all and greeting each new day........straight, clear path to it’s open door for all with warmth, friendship, heart — a protective oasis.......a safe haven — no pretense.......no expectation — simply.......................home.

A step forward — eyes strain to see.......mind open to comprehend.........
sadly, just.........a.........shell — no longer what it once was.....

Even through the gloom, memory of what was and sight of what remains — lingers.......haunts.....

untended.......overgrown — weathered......weakened — cracked.......shattered —
deserted........
abandoned....
how once important....matters not
how easily forgotten....what was
how once meaningful....empties out
how effortlessly left.....................................just a turn and walk

Even through the haze, simple realization is clear....
it did not need to become this.......

with a little thought........
want............
care.............
kindness.....work.....
a little love --- and.......
a life restored..............

a little at a time and upkeep is so easy......so right......so simple........
yet — none given.................instead — simply left..........



It was more than just.......a house.

Not just dirt and lumber and brick and shingles and siding.....
Not just four walls and a roof and windows and doors and rooms......

It was a place to come to.......for welcome.....for wonderment.....
for eating and sleeping
for talking and playing
for sadness and smiles
for laughter and tears
for good times and bad........

Not just men and women and boys and girls.....
Not just strangers or passerbys or acquaintances.....

Not just a house — not just by blood — not just by birth.......
for these do not by their very being make a family or make a home.........


It was......family......
true friends.....

Sharing and togetherness — Solitude and quiet times ---- Caring and love.........

It was....................................H O M E..................

The floor.....course and faded......finish worn from wear......splintered from abuse — emptiness above as focused eyes — heavy........with dried wetness close.............but no rest.........just sharp pains that take breath away and cloud the mind with thoughts that drain and torment.......for even in repose, all comfort and warmth once given, are locked out as if they are unwanted and unwelcomed trespassers...........
head spinning..........
sweat pouring..........
Black........................


Eyes open........crusts flake away — body numb......saturated with damp......chilled sweat....


No concept of time.........

the once seeming moments......days.....weeks.........have turned into enduring years of entrapment in this prison of culpability and failure.........scourged and thrown behind bars of unfriendly, unyielding indifference....

— for a crime neither tried or sentenced.........
No evidence offered
Nor defense allowed

and no time given for term of sentence.........of how long the incarceration would last..........and no apparent opportunity of sentence commuted or leniency for parole...............Guilty.